Unknowing Deaths and a Grieving Son
by iwantobemorethanwhoiam
Summary: "But if you keep going with this, our kids are going to grow to hate you, their drunken, screaming father."
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Ficlet prompt from Anon on Tumblr: She will not cry in front of him, even though he's breaking her heart.**

**I remember reading a ficlet a while ago, I think it was from the hugs and cuddles meme, when I thought of this, the first thing I thought of was how similar events happened in both, this one and theirs, but I can't for the life of me remember who wrote it. It was about how Martha didn't tell them she was sick and Kate said something like "Your mom was a great actor, she only let us see what she wanted." I wish I could properly credit them for this idea but I can't :(**

**Set 15ish years in the future.**

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It was almost 7:00 by the time Kate started getting ready to leave. She heard a knock on her office door and looked up to find Alexis standing there with her 12 year old son and 10 year old daughter. "Hey guys, what are you doing here?" She smiled at them. "I was just getting ready to come home." She walked over to them and her daughter wrapped her arms around Kate's waist, giving her a hug. She could see remnants of tears in her puffy eyes.

"Dad was being mean."

Kate looked up at Alexis and saw the pain and sadness in her eyes. Kate smiled down at her two youngest. "Okay why don't you guys go find Esposito or Ryan? They haven't seen you guys in a while."

They left the room and Alexis sat down in one of the chairs opposite of her desk. Kate closed the door and sat next to her. "What's going on and why do you have them?"

"Liam called me an hour ago, he said dad was angry and he kept yelling at them." Kate just waited for her to continue. "I get there and Emma's in her room crying and dad's yelling about how they need to clean their rooms and the loft is a mess and he was just going at them, Liam was just sitting on the couch taking it all. I've never seen dad like that, I don't think I remember him ever yelling at me."

Kate looked out the window to Liam and Emma who were laughing at something Esposito said or did then she sighed and looked back at Alexis. "I hate to break it to you but that's been a normal occurrence lately."

Alexis furrowed her brow, concerned for her step mother and brother and sister. "You guys are having problems?"

"He's beating himself up about what happened with Martha." At the mention of her now dead grandmother, Alexis looked down in her lap. "He feels guilty for not knowing she was sick and it's weighing on him."

She looked back up, tears now evident in her eyes. "But there's nothing he could've done."

"I know and I think deep down he knows but he's more hung on the fact that she told us she was on a cruise and really she was lying in a hospital bed all alone."

"But that's-"

Kate held up a hand, "I know it's not his fault and he should be angry with her but she's not here anymore so he's taking it out on us."

"Why haven't you told me this was going on?"

"Alexis, even though you're married and have your own kids, you'll always be his little girl and I couldn't tell you he was hurting because you shouldn't be burdened with this. You shouldn't have to worry about him, about us." Alexis just shook her head and looked down again, trying to hide the tears. "He's going to be fine. Once he finally sees what he's been doing and how it's hurting the kids so much, he will be fine." Alexis looked back up at her step mother and let out a small smile. "In the meantime, could you watch the kids for a few hours? I will go home and knock some sense into him and pick them up in a couple hours?"

"Yeah, that's fine."

(…)

She cautiously unlocked the loft door and went in, not knowing what she was going to walk into. The loft was nowhere near as messy as she thought it was going to be based on Alexis' description of Castle's yelling and ranting. All the lights were on, probably the way the kids left them when Alexis picked them up, but Castle was nowhere in sight. She dropped her bag by the door and put her keys on the hook and made her way to his office where he had been spending most of his time as of late. When she walked through the door, he was sitting at his desk with a glass of scotch in his hand, staring at the new cover art for his latest book. After a few seconds he looked up at her. "Alexis took the kids for a while."

"I know." She walked in and sat in one of the chairs. "They stopped by the precinct." She saw a flicker of guilt in his eyes, knowing she was going to plow into him how much he hurt the kids. "What the hell happened today?"

"Nothing."

"You were screaming at the kids about how messy the loft is and it's no messier than it usually is. Emma and Liam are completely confused as to what they did to get you so mad." He didn't respond just took a sip of his scotch. "I get that you miss your mom and you feel guilty and you're angry at her but you can't yell at her so you yell at us. I get that. But if you keep going with this, our kids are going to grow to hate you, their drunken, screaming father."

"You don't get it!" He stood up and started pacing in front of his desk. "When your mom was killed there wasn't a damn thing you could've done or she could've done about it!" He turned to face her. "For me there was!"

She stood up. "No there wasn't. She was sick and she loved you, loved us, so she didn't want us to remember her that way. What she did wasn't right, it wasn't the way things should've gone but it's done and she's gone and there's nothing we can do about it now-"

"God dammit Kate! Will you stop saying that-"

"No." She took a few steps toward him. "I will never stop telling you that until you believe it. I know what you're going through. I know how this feels because I went through it 30 years ago. I will never stop trying to make you believe there was nothing anyone could've done, not you, not me, not the doctors, no one could have saved her."

He ran a hand down his face where tears were streaming down. She reached out to rub a hand down his arm but as soon as he felt her touch he pulled away and turned around, taking a few steps. "Castle…Tell me what I can do to help you."

"Since you can't bring her back and you can't magically make it so we had known she was sick, there's nothing you can do."

"There has to be something."

After a few seconds he turned back to her. "I think I'm gonna go out to the Hamptons for a few days."

"I have the weekend off so yeah, that would be nice, get away from the city, the kids are gonna be excited."

"I'm going by myself."

"No."

"No?"

"I'm not gonna let you drink yourself into a stupor and feel sorry for yourself and wallow alone. That's what happened to my dad and I will not let that happen to you. Maybe Alexis and Tyler can watch the kids and it'll be just us?"

He shook his head, still avoiding her gaze. "If I don't do this, we will be divorced within the year and the kids will hate me."

"Castle, you're being ridiculous. We're not getting divorced. This will not cause a divorce and the kids will not hate you."

"But isn't that what you just said?"

She realized she had said just that a minute earlier. "Okay, I meant, you need to keep them out of whatever is going on with you. Scream at me all you want, I can take it but those kids, they lost their grandmother too and they're hurting just like you, they don't deserve for you to beat down on them all day, every day. They need a dad not a grieving son."

"Like I said, I need to do this alone."

"You can wallow here. You can lock yourself in here for as long as you want, but you can't shut me out, you can't go to another city and sit in a giant house by yourself. It'll just make it worse, you'll just miss her more."

After thinking about it for a moment, "I am going and I don't care what you say." He walked into their bedroom.

She thinks to herself, _she will not cry in front of him, even though he's breaking her heart._ It's completely tearing her apart how badly he's taking this but she needs to be his rock, she needs to be there for him and ride out the storm.

(…)

Half an hour later, Alexis drops the kids back off, her reasoning being Emma wanted to come home. Castle's still in the bedroom and Liam went upstairs to take a shower. Kate and Emma were sitting on the couch in the living room, Emma cuddling into Kate's side.

"Why is dad so mad at me?"

"Oh sweetie, he's not mad at you."

"If he's not mad at me, why was he yelling at me all day?"

Kate sighed, hating how hurt her husband hurt their daughter. "Sometimes when someone we love dies, you get angry about why it happened."

"Like you were angry that someone killed your mom?"

"Yeah…but your dad, he's angry because Gram never told us she was sick but he can't be angry at her because she's not here. It's not okay what he's doing but he still loves you and Liam and Alexis more than anything."

"And you?"

After their fight she's beginning to realize that their marriage is suffering. "Yeah."

They were pulled from their conversation when Castle came out of the office, a suitcase trailing behind him. "Where are you going?"

Seeing his daughter and how upset she looked, he walked over to them, sitting next to Emma and rubbing a hand down her back. "I'm just going out to the Hamptons for a few days but I'll be back by Monday."

"You promise?"

"I promise." He kissed her head then went back to his suitcase and left.

Kate was surprised and a little heartbroken he didn't say goodbye to her or even acknowledge she was there at all but she wouldn't cry and show her daughter how heartbroken she was, instead she just ran her fingers through Emma's hair, soothing herself and her daughter.

After a minute, Kate started hearing soft sobs coming from her daughter. She shifted herself so Emma would look at her and sure enough, there were tears streaming down her face. "What's wrong?"

She took a deep breath, trying to steady her voice enough to speak. "Are you and…and daddy gonna get divorced?"

"No, no we're not."

"You promise?"

How do you promise something like that to your kid? "Do you remember the story of how we fell in love?" She nodded, remembering being told about shootings and bombs and lies and waiting. "One fight will not make us get divorced. We love you and we love each other, there's just a lot going on right now and dad's a little sad."

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**A/N: I feel like I kind of ignored Liam but I am too tired to go back and delete that character...**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: I just want to say, I am completely overwhelmed with the attention this story has gotten. 50 Follows in a day? That's crazy. Thank you so much!**

**I had already finished (just one additional chapter) but while I was reading the reviews, I decided to change it up a bit. As of right now this will be a three shot but that could definitely change. **

**Also, maybe I should put a disclaimer? Basically, if you recognize a character, it doesn't belong to me.**

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After Liam finished his shower, he came back downstairs to say goodnight to his parents and sister. When he got to the bottom of the stairs, he saw Kate and Emma sitting on the couch and what looked like Emma crying. "What's wrong?"

Emma sat up and wiped her eyes as Liam made his way toward them. "Dad went to the Hampton's without us."

Liam sat down on the chair kiddie corner from the couch. "Why?"

"He just needs some time to himself-"

"So he just gets to be mean to us all day then leave?"

Kate sighed then sat forward, causing Emma to move from leaning on her side to back on the couch. "I think we need to have a talk." She looked back and forth from Liam to Emma. "Remember how Gram said she was going on a cruise?" They both nodded. "She never went on a cruise. She was in a hospital, she had cancer and was getting chemo, which is a special treatment when you have cancer. She didn't tell me or dad or Alexis or anyone."

"Why?"

"She loves you guys and Alexis and dad and me more than anything in the world and she didn't want us to see her sick. Dad is just so mad at her for not telling us."

"If he's mad at Gram, why is he mad at us too?"

"He's not mad at you." She paused a moment to think of how to explain it to them. "People deal with death in different ways. You guys are only kids so you just cry or talk to me or dad or Alexis about it." She looked Liam. "Or you get in trouble at school. When my mom died, I didn't do anything other than work. I didn't talk to my friends or eat or sleep. But dad, he's angry."

"When is he coming home?"

"He'll be back by Monday." She looked between her kids, trying to gage their reactions. Emma had her knees pulled up to her chest, her eyes still puffy from crying. Liam was avoiding her gaze but she saw tears in his eyes.

Liam stood up, heading back to the stairs. "I'm gonna go finish my homework then I'm gonna go to bed."

Kate stood up, taking a few steps toward him. "Liam-"

He turned back to her. "Mom, just leave me alone, please."

She sighed as she watched him walk upstairs to his room then turned back to Emma. "Why don't we get you to bed too?"

"I…I know I never do but…can I sleep with you tonight?" She hadn't wanted to sleep in their bed since she was 3, claiming that she was big girl now and didn't need to cuddle with her parents to fall asleep. So the fact that Emma felt like she needed to sleep with her, Kate knew this was really hard for her little girl.

"Of course you can." She brushed a hand over her hair. "How about you go brush your teeth and change into your pajamas. I'm gonna go talk to your brother."

They both made their way upstairs, Emma going in the second door on the right, Kate knocking on the first on the right. "Hey buddy, can I come in?"

"No!"

"Liam, please."

After a long pause, he opened his door. He immediately went back and laid in his bed, his back to Kate. Kate sat in the chair at his desk.

"Your dad will be back, I promise."

"I don't want him to come back!"

"Liam-"

"No! All he does is yell at us and I hate it!"

"I know and I am so sorry. It's not right and believe me, I am mad at him too."

He finally turned toward her. "But downstairs you were just defending him."

"Your sister saw him leave and thought we were getting divorced. You get that I can be mad at your dad and that doesn't mean we'll get divorced, right?"

"Yeah, but-"

"Emma doesn't so I had to sugarcoat it a little." He just shook his head and laid back down. "Hey, I promise you, everything will be okay. Dad will stop being so mad and he'll go back to the dad that will hide your laser tag vest in here then when your friends are over, sneak up here and shoot it to annoy you. She got a smile and an almost laugh out of that. She stood up and took the two short steps toward his bed. "Goodnight." She ruffled his hair then leaned down to kiss his forehead but he put his hand up, pushing her face away.

"No kisses." She smiled at him, glad he was feeling a little better. She grabbed his hands and started peppering kisses all over his face as he squirmed trying to get away from her. "Stop! Stop! Stop!"

She stood back up. "You can never be too old for momma's kisses." She started walking toward the door.

"Yes I can!"

Just as she reached the door, she turned back to him, her face serious again. "I love you and everything will be fine."

"I know. Love you too."


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Once again, thank you for your amazing words and encouragement with this story. This is my first one that's more than one chapter so it means the world to me that you guys are liking it. **

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After Kate left Liam's room, she went to look for Emma. She wasn't in her room. She wasn't in the bathroom. She went downstairs and she wasn't in the living room. She finally went into her room and there Emma was, already snuggled in on Castle's side. Kate went into the bathroom to change into her pajamas then laid down with her daughter, even though it was barely 9:00 and she knew she probably wouldn't fall asleep anytime soon. Emma scooted closer to Kate, Kate wrapped her arms around her daughter as she rested her head on her chest.

"You really promise you and dad won't get divorced?"

Once again, how do you promise your child that? As much as she believes they would never get divorced, what would happen if they did? She wouldn't be able to face the question of 'but you promised you and dad wouldn't get divorced.' Kate shifted so Emma would look at her. "I love your dad and you and Liam and Alexis more than I love anyone in the world and I promise you I will try my absolute hardest to stay married to dad."

"But you don't know if you will?" Kate saw her eyes fill with tears.

Kate kissed Emma's forehead and hugged her a little tighter. "I will do everything in my power to make sure that doesn't happen."

(…)

He had been driving for a good hour now. The sky was dark, the road was vacant except for him and his car and he can't help but think of how much he hurt his family and that it's better this way, they shouldn't have to suffer just because he is.

Then he sees it.

The ditch where he almost died 15 years earlier.

He brings his car to a halt on the side of the road and remembers that day. The suspicious black SUV tailgating him then coming up beside him and running him off the road. The torture he suffered at the hands of 3XK for, he couldn't even remember how many painful days or weeks that was.

He remembers hearing Beckett's voice for what seemed like the first time in years. The pain and anguish in her voice. How desperate she sounded. How she broke down the minute she saw him. How she clung to him like her life depended on it and he didn't have the heart to tell her it was causing excruciating pain. How she put her hands on the side of his face and pulled him in for a languid kiss, even though his face was covered in blood and sweat, neither of them cared. They were together and nothing else in the world mattered.

He was pulled from his thoughts when a semi sped past him. It was then that he noticed he was crying and he couldn't stop. He hurt his family, he knows that. But he also knows that escaping when things are hard, is not the way to go.

He remembers after they brought him to the hospital and he wasn't in the excruciating pain anymore, he was so incredibly relieved he was out of the hell hole. He saw how much it hurt him to see Beckett hurting for him. Just like she was now, granted it wasn't the same level of hurt but she was hurting for him nonetheless and God did that hurt. But this time was different. He not only hurt his wife, maybe even past what she could forgive, he hurt his kids. The innocent parties in his grief. What the hell was wrong with him that it took him remembering when _he _nearly died to realize that?

He started up his car and turned around. He was going to make this right. He wasn't going to escape and try to heal on his own, like she said that's what her dad did after her mother died and it caused so much pain for Kate, he could never do that to their kids. He couldn't become some angry drunk.

When he got back to the loft, all the lights were off, he assumed Kate was in their bedroom reading or something since she's always been a night owl. He was surprised to find her asleep but as he got closer to the bed, he saw Emma cuddled against her chest and it broke his heart. He'd done this, hurt his little girl so much that she needed to sleep with the comfort of her mother. He took a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt into the bathroom to change so he wouldn't wake them. After he finished brushing his teeth he slowly laid on his side of the bed so he wouldn't wake their sleeping daughter. He reached over and rested a hand on Kate's cheek.

Upon feeling the warmth of his hand, Kate stirred then woke. She blinked a few times to make sure he was really there. "Castle?"

"I'm sorry." He whispered to her. "I am so sorry for hurting you and the kids and everything."

"So you're back..."

He nodded. "I should have listened to you. I was an idiot and I never should have left."

She furrowed her brow. "What brought this realization on?"

"The crash from our wedding day. I drove by it and I remembered everything we went through and we can't lose each other again." He brought his lips up to hers for a brief kiss. "I miss her and I'm pissed that she went away to die. She should have let us be there."

She saw a tear fall down his cheek and wiped it away then ran a hand through his hair. "I know. But you need to let that go. I'm not saying now, I'm not saying tomorrow, but there's nothing you can do about it." He nodded in response and they felt Emma move. They both looked down to see the bright blues of her eyes staring up at them.

"Daddy?" She sat up and looked at him, probably thinking this was a dream.

"Yeah sweetie, I'm here." She laid back down and he ran a hand through her hair, kissing her head. "I'm sorry I was so angry today."

She cuddled into him. "It's okay but don't ever leave again."

"I won't. You're stuck with me for a good long time." Emma smiled slightly then fell back asleep.

Kate put an arm across Emma's side, right below Castle's. "Thank you for coming back but….I can't promise things are gonna be okay right away."

"I know."

"You hurt the kids."

"I know."

"Like really hurt them. When she saw you leave, she thought we were getting divorced. Liam said he didn't even want you to come home. You left me here, all alone, to pick up the pieces of a puzzle you just shattered."

He laced his fingers through hers. "And I will never do that again."

Ten minutes later he was asleep but she couldn't help but doubt him. This was the first time since her shooting 18 years ago that she doubted his word, his loyalty, his strength to try to let go of feeling guilty.

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**A/N: I am super horrible with endings so I might just stop it here but if any of you have any suggestions of where I should take it, feel free to comment, send me a PM or send me an ask on Tumblr.**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Finally came up with this chapter. I have absolutely no clue how long this will be or when I will update it again but I've been in a writing mood lately so who knows. **

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When they woke the next morning, it was tense to say the least. Liam barely said two words to Castle before he left for school. Emma, although she seemed to forgive him the night before, was visibly upset with Castle as well.

After both kids were gone to school, Castle and Beckett were cleaning up from breakfast. Beckett went to the fridge, putting away the orange juice. "You need to talk to them."

"I know."

She turned to him. "Do you?"

After putting a dish in the dishwasher, he turned to Kate, shocked by her blatant distrust of him. "Okay, I get it. I screwed up but what about all the times you screwed up and I forgave you without giving it a second thought!?"

"When?"

"You really want to get into this right now?"

"Yes. I do. Because if we don't, we never will and we need to figure this out."

He closed the dishwasher. "Your mother's case. Everything that happened with that. It's no different."

"It's no different? Really? We didn't have the kids! I didn't hurt them! I didn't take my anger out on them!" She took a deep breath, trying to calm herself, who knew she could be so fierce when it comes to her kids. "I know your mom just died and you have every right to be angry and sad and…grieve but talk to me about it. Let me help you through it. Let me grieve with you…I miss her too." With that confession, tears filled her eyes, mirroring Castle's. He made his way out of the kitchen and Beckett took a few steps to follow him. "When my mom died, I would've given anything for someone to come along and tell me that it's okay to cry and let it out, to push me to accept it and help me learn to be okay with her being gone. And I'm here, I'm trying to help you. I'm not saying to forget her or just pretend like it doesn't hurt, I'm saying don't let this be who you are from now on, don't let it turn you into who I was when we met." He still had his back to her and she desperately want him to say something. "Castle…"

Her turned around, his hands on his hips. "Has it ever occurred to you that I might deal with death differently than you? Maybe I don't need someone to push me or make everything seem okay."

"I'm not trying to-"

"I'm not gonna run away or leave you but don't push me." With that he retreated back to his office and Beckett headed to work.

Last night he seemed so sincere, so eager to deal with this with her but it must've been the exhaustion talking. How is she supposed to make this better if he's pushing her away?

After she got off work, Beckett picked Liam up from soccer practice and Emma up from dance then they went back to the loft where Castle had spent his day in his office, trying to write even a page of his latest book. Both kids went upstairs to change out of their sports gear and Kate went to find Castle. He was just staring at his computer screen.

"Hey."

He looked up at her, offering a faint smile. "Hi."

"Emma and Liam are upstairs changing but when they come down, you need to come talk to them."

"Kate I-"

She held up a hand, not wanting to hear any excuses. "Don't. You need to come apologize to them because if you don't…" She shook her head and walked back out to the kitchen to start dinner.

He sighed and looked back at his computer screen where his screensaver was playing a slideshow of pictures, pictures of him, Kate, and the kids. After staring at it for a few minutes, he wrote another couple sentences then save the word document and went out to the living room. Kate was leaning over the breakfast bar, helping Emma with her homework. Liam must've still been upstairs.

Hearing his office door open, Emma looked toward it but upon seeing her dad she looked back at her homework without saying a word to him. Kate turned around to stir what was on the stove.

"How was school?" Castle sat in the stool next to Emma, looking over her shoulder at the homework she was working on.

Still focusing on the papers in front of her, Emma told her dad what happened. "Well, Mrs. Callan got mad at me because I didn't do my math homework last night but it was your fault."

He looked up at Kate who was looking back at him with an unsympathetic look, waiting for him to make that apology.

"Em, look at me." She reluctantly did as she was told and crossed her arms on the counter, visibly upset with him, staring at him with that signature Beckett glare. "I'm sorry about yesterday and how upset I've been. I never should have yelled at you or left like I did. I love you so much and it was wrong of me to do that."

"But you did do it."

"I know."

"Mom said it's because of Gram. She said you're mad at her but you're taking it out on us."

Castle looked at Kate who had her back turned to them, adding more ingredients to the pan on the stove while still fully listening to their conversation.

"She's right, I am mad at Gram, but I _never _should have yelled at you like I did yesterday."

Emma's features began to soften, her arms held less tightly together. "You promise you won't ever do it again?"

"Yes."

"Good." She turned her attention back to her homework.

As if on cue, Liam came down the stairs but at the sight of Castle, he turned around and started going back up.

"Liam, stay down here."

He turned around, not moving any lower. "I don't want to talk to him."

"Just listen then." He looked between his parents, but retreated back up the stairs.

Kate looked at Castle. "That one's gonna be harder."

"Yep." He stood up from his spot next to Emma, kissed her forehead then went upstairs to face his rightfully angry son. Castle knocked on Liam's door.

"Go away."

He opened the door anyway, Liam was sitting at his desk. "I'm sorry."

"So."

He took a few steps in. "Listen, I know I haven't been the best dad lately and you have every right to be mad at me." He sat on the edge of Liam's bed. "You're old enough to hear the truth and I'm not gonna sugarcoat it. I am so angry with your grandmother for not telling me she was sick. No one should ever have to die alone and she did, while we were here, being happy, she was dying and I had no idea. If she had told me, I could've helped her."

Liam turned his chair toward Castle. "Well she didn't and there's nothing you can do so just stop being mad."

Castle let a sharp breath out of his nose, like the start of a laugh, as he shook his head and looked in his lap. "It's not that simple." He looked back at Liam. "I wish it was. I wish I could just forget it and forgive her and move on but it's not that easy."

"Why?"

That's a good question. "I don't know. When someone you love lies to you like this, it…stays with you."

Liam just drank in all that his dad was telling him and it was starting to make sense. "What would help you?"

Castle smiled, he can't believe this kid. "This. Making sure you and your sister know I still love you guys. And a game of Madden wouldn't hurt either."

Liam smiled then shot up out of his chair and ran down the stairs, Castle following him, racing to the TV in his office where the Xbox was hooked up.

As they passed through the kitchen, Kate was shocked to see Liam actually smiling and seemingly not upset anymore. Castle saw this and smiled at her before going into the office.


End file.
